"You're such a good guy"

Okay, seriously. I'm sick of being the "nice guy". I don't care how cliche "nice guys finish last" is, it's really how life is.

I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of being there for everyone. I'm sick of caring about other people more than myself. I'm sick of worrying.

I always wonder to myself "why not me?" I always try to convince myself that I'm desirable, but I think I'm starting to lose faith in that. I try to do everything I can to be there for people who I care for, it's who I am.. Who I've always been. But now it seems that I'm more of a shoulder to cry on or a friend to be forgotten than anything more.

All I see are assholes constantly treating girls who I care for more than anything like complete shit. When they fuck up, I'm the one who is there, "comforting, caring". Meanwhile, they go out looking for the next piece of ass without a care in the world.

Whatever, it's all bullshit. These are the times that I debate going away, starting fresh. As much as I care for the friendships I have, I'm sick of feeling this way. I've invested too much time into trying to help people only to watch them ignore my advice and climb back into that hole they were in beforehand, only to come right back when they realized they fucked up.

Fuck being the nice guy. Fuck being there. I can't take that anymore.
I think it might be time for me to think for myself.

Songs that Never Should have been Written

I'm sure everyone has been there before. After a long, miserable day, you're trying to listen to some music while driving, whether it be home from work or some place else. You crank up your favorite station to forget your problems and jam out. Low and behold, what comes on? A song that hasn't been on the radio in months, if not years, that essentially describes word-for-word how you're feeling. Now, in some ways its comforting to know there are others, even professional musicians, who feel the way you do. But honestly, at that point you're just trying to forget about it and its being thrown right back into your face.

On the way home from work yesterday, I had a three-peat of songs that just taunted me. Lets start out with a little Daughtry..

Daughtry - Life after You

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know

Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wastin' my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through, yeah
Know there's no life after you

Know there's no life after you, yea.

Numero uno. Are you serious? Christ Daughtry, can you make me possibly feel any worse than I already am at this point? Ohhh, don't worry. I decide to change the station about midway through the song. Boom, there comes number two. Now, this one wasn't as bad, but certain parts (which I'll post) stung. You see, it was as if the radio was narrating my situation. First it started out with Daughtry essentially spelling out my current thoughts. Queue Fergie to somewhat describe how my girl is feeling..

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry (I know its a little gay, but try to look past that and read into the context)

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay


Thanks, Fergie, for the swift kick to the groin. I really do appreciate it. Surely it can't get ANY worse than those back-to-back right? Oh contraire, it does! I switch back to the first station anticipating to hear some good rock that'll clear my mind of the last mind-boggling combo, then comes the topper. A song that hasn't been on the radio in years, but of course karma decides to strategically place it right where it fits in the story. Just the first verse applies, but if I could write a verse describing my feelings, this is it..

Good Charlotte - I Don't Want to be in Love

She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
than he gave she’s looking for

He calls her up
He’s trippin on the phone now
He doesn’t want her out there
And alone now
He knows she’s movin it
Knows she’s using it
Now he’s losing it
She don’t care


ARE.. YOU.. KIDDING.. ME?! Well, at this point I had a strong desire to just turn my car into oncoming traffic. Honestly, how does that happen? As awful as it made me feel, its just as creepy that it all happened in chronological and sensible order. Well, whatever. I just needed to rant about karma I guess. /post

Also, as a disclaimer, I'd like to point out that this is generally not my musical taste. I usually like everything. I'm more so a metalhead than anything, but respect all other genres save country. Can't stand country. *gags*

Viva Las Vegas

Hooray! Some good news I suppose. My friends from home have been getting a trip to Vegas together for some time and fortunately included me in it after a few people couldn't go. They informed me fairly directly after my break-up, and I was all for it. It was all before I felt as terrible as I do now, of course.

I think there are 7 or 8 of us going. This includes three of my best guy friends from high school, one of their girlfriends, my female best friend from high school (who I had a crush on), and her roommate. Naturally, this is where things get fishy.

Ha, and you thought this was going to be a cheery post. Shame on you, this is my blog to vent. While my ex and I were getting together oh so many years ago, I had a mental list made up of who I felt were the most desirable girls in my life. Naturally, she was number one, but a close second was the girl who is going to Vegas with me.

Basic human instincts would tell you "don't tell that list to your girlfriend, you idiot". Well, apparently I'm not normal. I told my girl about the list and at the time it was funny. We both laughed about how cheesy it was and didn't think about it much. However, as time went on and we became more comfortable with each other, I would hang out with my friends while she wasn't around. Naturally, this included my best female friend. I think this led to some jealousy on her part, which is to be expected.

My ex has always been one to be jealous. I've always been a huge flirt, as anyone who knows me would immediately agree with. This can lead to some "promiscuous" pictures on Facebook and other places. I can honestly say in the confines and security of my own blog that I've never shown any interest in a relationship with another girl while with my ex.

Sure there was attraction. There is always attraction. But attraction is not an emotional attachment, its purely physical. I've never been one for random hook-ups or one-night-stands. I could never see myself doing that. That being said, as awful as I was to her near the end I'm sure she could have been fearing the worse from me. Not necessarily that I was cheating or anything, but that I was showing interest in other girls.

Well, now comes Vegas. Sin City. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. You know all the cliches. And here I am, going with my high school crush. My ex has expressed her concern because she knows sometimes I get out of hand while I'm drunk. I know she is worried about me going.

If there is one thing in this world that I am positive about, its that I would never even consider hooking up with anyone right now. Its not even an option. But the pain I know this trip might cause her (if she truly cares about the prospect of getting back together with me) kills me. I've already paid and I have to go, but I just wish there was some way to let her know how sincere I am about it.

So here I sit, torn again. On one hand, I want to have a good time and hang out with friends in Vegas. I want to hit all the scenes, drink, maybe catch a show, gamble a little. I want to get away from how I'm feeling right now. But I know I'll be on her mind while I'm gone. And I know shes going to be on mine the whole time.

Every time I think about leaving I get a nervous anxiety in my stomach. My being faithful, even though we're not together, isn't a concern to me. Not in the least. It is the only thing I am absolutely sure about with this trip. What kills me is knowing she is sitting in my shoes, wondering what I'm doing so many miles a way in a city with a reputation.

When we discuss the trip, I think we both put up a front about it. She tries to smile and act excited for me. She even jokes about how maybe I'll get over her and marry a stripper while I'm there (ha, The Hangover). And I reiterate, slapping on a fake smile and pretending I'm totally comfortable with this trip.

There were only two times we let our emotions shine through about it. The only time I even hinted at feeling how I do about it is when she asked what I was excited for most about going. Gambling? No. The sites? No. All I could say was trying to get away from everything. She asked me to go deeper, and I told her she knew how I was feeling about it. It led to an awkward exchange that ended as it usually does.

The only time I caught her slipping was when I brought up how it was hard seeing her go out with other people. She replied by saying, "you're going to Vegas with other people". In one respect, it killed me to know this trip was going to hurt her. In another respect, it feels so good to hear her show some signs that she still cares.

As with my others, I end with what questions are strewing through my mind endlessly. How can I make her believe me when I say how I'm feeling about this trip? How can I ease her mind on the subject? When I think about it, I question if she is really worried about it as much as I am. Who knows? To be honest, I'm pretty excited to get home and to tell her everything that happened. Let her know that I was faithful and that she was on my mind. So that is where I sit.

Pessimism vs. Reality

So today I've been wondering a lot about my perception of things versus how they truly are. Generally I'm a "the glass is half-full" kind of guy, but naturally given the prior few weeks I've changed my outlook in that respect. As of late, everything I deal with I try to look at as the "worst case scenario" perspective. Perhaps its my coping mechanism to deal with it if things go south, I'm really not sure.

For instance, things have been going smoothly between my ex (it feels so awkward saying that) and myself in terms of talking. Sure, it can get awkward sometimes, but usually the conversation is mellow and we just chat about everything that is going on in our lives.

Normally the average, rational human being would say "that's great, she still wants to talk to me". For me, its not that easy. Despite how happy I am during our conversations, as soon as they're over I question what it all means. Is she getting comfortable with just being friends? Is she already over me enough that talking to me on a friendly level?

I'm really torn between what I want right now. I'd do anything to have her back, but am I willing to risk our friendship on it? People who I've talked to and resources I have sought suggested that I give her space for a few days, give her an opportunity to miss me. But what if she doesn't? What if she shrugs it off, expecting me to keep our flow our communication open?

I really have no idea what she wants from me right now. She told me she likes talking to me, and sometimes I catch the vibe that she wants me to go back to my home town and visit her, but other times I get nothing. She talks about going out with other people and having fun, things she didn't do while she was with me near the end. She talks about seeing other guys who she has said would be great boyfriends.

I don't know if she knows how bad it hurts me. I want to get upset and say something, but I know I can't. We're not together, she can do whatever she wants. She has told me she has no interest in dating anyone and is just doing her own things for a while, but being this far away and not knowing what she does when she goes out, how can I really be sure?

Now, let me clarify that she brings these things up in a completely harmless way. Its usually after I ask her what she has done or who she was with. She has always been one to be completely honest, so I have to respect that.

Basically, I would give anything to know what is truly on her mind. Every time she is nice to me, comforting me, calming me, and it leads to a dead end, I wonder if she is just letting me down easily because she knows the place I'm in right now. I ask her sometimes how she is feeling, but it is the same result every time. "I just want to be friends right now and I'm not ready to make a decision about us. That is all I can say, I'm sorry."

I wish I could hear that and believe every ounce of it. I know she has never been dishonest with me and deserves my trust, but its hard to see anything as it is right now. My mind twists and over-analyzes every situation. She would never want to hurt me, which scares me that she is trying to find an easy way to let me go.

I guess all I can do is sit and wonder..

The feelings I have..

Its been a painful few weeks for me. All that goes through my mind is questioning the mistakes I've made and what I can do to rectify them. It feels like I'm falling endlessly into a dark abyss and there is no one there to catch me.

Break ups are hard. This is the first serious one I've had to deal with. A seven year relationship spanning from high school through post-grad is enough to wear on anyone, but especially me. I've always been the guy who had a smile on his face, always there to talk to, always there to help. I was never the one with problems. Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot and I really don't know how to deal with it.

I might as well delve into the meat of the issue. What happened to make everything go so wrong? Well, I'd be the first to admit I was the ass in the matter. I questioned if I truly wanted to be with this girl from the rest of my life, and she was pressuring me to make a decision. Being a college grad with no current employment, I sought a means to live up every last breath of adolescent freedom that I could. I constantly was on the bar tour with friends, drinking excessively, the cliche routine. However, with that came my ignorance of the girl of my dream's feelings.

Did I know I was hurting her? I think I did, though I didn't want to admit it, even to myself. I kept thinking "if we keep growing apart like this, breaking up will be easier for both of us." I never wanted to hang out with her, never wanted to lay with her, nothing. The intimacy was gone.

Eventually we elected to take a break and try to do our own thing, hoping that time apart would spark our feelings towards each other. If anything, it pulled us further apart. Now I felt as though I had an excuse to not hang out with her. To top all of it off, I ended up getting a job four hours away. It was spur of the moment and neither of us really had an opportunity to discuss it. I just left, without really discussing our plans together. At the time, I felt it was the right thing to do.

Finally, after the move, she dropped the bomb. She wanted to be friends. At the time, I was perfectly fine with it. Relieved, in fact. As the weeks went by, however, my thoughts, dreams, everything I did kept regressing back to her. Every damn song on the radio, every damn show on TV, everything. Seven years is a lot of memories.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to her about it. Given my past persona with my friends, it was difficult to find time to discuss it with my roommate (who I met in college) always being there. I went with text messages. Given how she felt for me before, there was no way she wouldn't take me back, right? She was always the one who was there waiting while I was gone, out disregarding her basic needs in the relationship. She had to be missing me like I was to her.

Then the dagger through the heart. After I told her every feeling that I was feeling, being more honest and open to her than I had been in ages, she was the one to tell me she didn't want to be with me.

The feelings and sensations that went through my body at that second are indescribable. A shooting pain down my back, a deep sickness in my stomach, flashes and disorientation. It felt like every ounce of air in the world wouldn't be enough to catch my breath. Then it hit me: this is what I've been doing to her for so long. Putting her through this pain, making her feel this awful. Through ignorance, whether subconsciously or not, I was hurting that which I cared for the most and doing nothing to help it.

There is nothing in the world I can do to make up for the mistakes of my past. Sure, she was glad that I had finally opened up and apologized for all the things I've done in the past, but I knew that wasn't enough. She knew it wasn't enough. I told her exactly how I feel: I can't see my life without you by my side. I told her I would do whatever it takes to get her back and do whatever I could to try to make up for the idiot I was.

Her response was that she needed time to think about everything and decide what she really wants. She didn't know how long it would take or how it would end up, but that is what she needed. What could I say to that? Was I mad? No, if anything it was somewhat relieving to know she hadn't thrown out any possibility of us being together. However, it leaves me with a sense of emptiness. But the only thing I could say and truly mean was "I understand".

I understand why she needs time away from me. I understand why she would be weary to get back with the person who made her hurt for so long. I understand why she probably wants to see what else is out there.

So that is how it stands for me. We do talk fairly often, on Skype, IM's, and texts. When I talk to her, its like I'm on cloud nine. Occasionally the break-up comes up, which is followed by tears from both of us, but I think we both try to avoid bringing up the painful memories as much as possible.

My head is all over the place now. All I wonder all day is what she is doing, who she is with, if she is thinking about me, if she is thinking about someone else. But every time I start to get upset about why she won't take me back, I know that I did this to myself. Now all I can do is wait, pray that she'll give me a chance to treat her like she deserves.

Am I the only one who feels like this? Can I move on? Better yet, do I ever want to move on? I can't think of anything for my future besides being with her. Its destroying my social life and hurting my work performance, but I can't help it. But she NEEDS this time, she DESERVES this time. She should get to choose what she wants, because I had my chance and blew it. Despite everything that I'm feeling, every ounce that I'm hurting.. I UNDERSTAND.