Viva Las Vegas

Hooray! Some good news I suppose. My friends from home have been getting a trip to Vegas together for some time and fortunately included me in it after a few people couldn't go. They informed me fairly directly after my break-up, and I was all for it. It was all before I felt as terrible as I do now, of course.

I think there are 7 or 8 of us going. This includes three of my best guy friends from high school, one of their girlfriends, my female best friend from high school (who I had a crush on), and her roommate. Naturally, this is where things get fishy.

Ha, and you thought this was going to be a cheery post. Shame on you, this is my blog to vent. While my ex and I were getting together oh so many years ago, I had a mental list made up of who I felt were the most desirable girls in my life. Naturally, she was number one, but a close second was the girl who is going to Vegas with me.

Basic human instincts would tell you "don't tell that list to your girlfriend, you idiot". Well, apparently I'm not normal. I told my girl about the list and at the time it was funny. We both laughed about how cheesy it was and didn't think about it much. However, as time went on and we became more comfortable with each other, I would hang out with my friends while she wasn't around. Naturally, this included my best female friend. I think this led to some jealousy on her part, which is to be expected.

My ex has always been one to be jealous. I've always been a huge flirt, as anyone who knows me would immediately agree with. This can lead to some "promiscuous" pictures on Facebook and other places. I can honestly say in the confines and security of my own blog that I've never shown any interest in a relationship with another girl while with my ex.

Sure there was attraction. There is always attraction. But attraction is not an emotional attachment, its purely physical. I've never been one for random hook-ups or one-night-stands. I could never see myself doing that. That being said, as awful as I was to her near the end I'm sure she could have been fearing the worse from me. Not necessarily that I was cheating or anything, but that I was showing interest in other girls.

Well, now comes Vegas. Sin City. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. You know all the cliches. And here I am, going with my high school crush. My ex has expressed her concern because she knows sometimes I get out of hand while I'm drunk. I know she is worried about me going.

If there is one thing in this world that I am positive about, its that I would never even consider hooking up with anyone right now. Its not even an option. But the pain I know this trip might cause her (if she truly cares about the prospect of getting back together with me) kills me. I've already paid and I have to go, but I just wish there was some way to let her know how sincere I am about it.

So here I sit, torn again. On one hand, I want to have a good time and hang out with friends in Vegas. I want to hit all the scenes, drink, maybe catch a show, gamble a little. I want to get away from how I'm feeling right now. But I know I'll be on her mind while I'm gone. And I know shes going to be on mine the whole time.

Every time I think about leaving I get a nervous anxiety in my stomach. My being faithful, even though we're not together, isn't a concern to me. Not in the least. It is the only thing I am absolutely sure about with this trip. What kills me is knowing she is sitting in my shoes, wondering what I'm doing so many miles a way in a city with a reputation.

When we discuss the trip, I think we both put up a front about it. She tries to smile and act excited for me. She even jokes about how maybe I'll get over her and marry a stripper while I'm there (ha, The Hangover). And I reiterate, slapping on a fake smile and pretending I'm totally comfortable with this trip.

There were only two times we let our emotions shine through about it. The only time I even hinted at feeling how I do about it is when she asked what I was excited for most about going. Gambling? No. The sites? No. All I could say was trying to get away from everything. She asked me to go deeper, and I told her she knew how I was feeling about it. It led to an awkward exchange that ended as it usually does.

The only time I caught her slipping was when I brought up how it was hard seeing her go out with other people. She replied by saying, "you're going to Vegas with other people". In one respect, it killed me to know this trip was going to hurt her. In another respect, it feels so good to hear her show some signs that she still cares.

As with my others, I end with what questions are strewing through my mind endlessly. How can I make her believe me when I say how I'm feeling about this trip? How can I ease her mind on the subject? When I think about it, I question if she is really worried about it as much as I am. Who knows? To be honest, I'm pretty excited to get home and to tell her everything that happened. Let her know that I was faithful and that she was on my mind. So that is where I sit.