Pessimism vs. Reality

So today I've been wondering a lot about my perception of things versus how they truly are. Generally I'm a "the glass is half-full" kind of guy, but naturally given the prior few weeks I've changed my outlook in that respect. As of late, everything I deal with I try to look at as the "worst case scenario" perspective. Perhaps its my coping mechanism to deal with it if things go south, I'm really not sure.

For instance, things have been going smoothly between my ex (it feels so awkward saying that) and myself in terms of talking. Sure, it can get awkward sometimes, but usually the conversation is mellow and we just chat about everything that is going on in our lives.

Normally the average, rational human being would say "that's great, she still wants to talk to me". For me, its not that easy. Despite how happy I am during our conversations, as soon as they're over I question what it all means. Is she getting comfortable with just being friends? Is she already over me enough that talking to me on a friendly level?

I'm really torn between what I want right now. I'd do anything to have her back, but am I willing to risk our friendship on it? People who I've talked to and resources I have sought suggested that I give her space for a few days, give her an opportunity to miss me. But what if she doesn't? What if she shrugs it off, expecting me to keep our flow our communication open?

I really have no idea what she wants from me right now. She told me she likes talking to me, and sometimes I catch the vibe that she wants me to go back to my home town and visit her, but other times I get nothing. She talks about going out with other people and having fun, things she didn't do while she was with me near the end. She talks about seeing other guys who she has said would be great boyfriends.

I don't know if she knows how bad it hurts me. I want to get upset and say something, but I know I can't. We're not together, she can do whatever she wants. She has told me she has no interest in dating anyone and is just doing her own things for a while, but being this far away and not knowing what she does when she goes out, how can I really be sure?

Now, let me clarify that she brings these things up in a completely harmless way. Its usually after I ask her what she has done or who she was with. She has always been one to be completely honest, so I have to respect that.

Basically, I would give anything to know what is truly on her mind. Every time she is nice to me, comforting me, calming me, and it leads to a dead end, I wonder if she is just letting me down easily because she knows the place I'm in right now. I ask her sometimes how she is feeling, but it is the same result every time. "I just want to be friends right now and I'm not ready to make a decision about us. That is all I can say, I'm sorry."

I wish I could hear that and believe every ounce of it. I know she has never been dishonest with me and deserves my trust, but its hard to see anything as it is right now. My mind twists and over-analyzes every situation. She would never want to hurt me, which scares me that she is trying to find an easy way to let me go.

I guess all I can do is sit and wonder..