Its been a painful few weeks for me. All that goes through my mind is questioning the mistakes I've made and what I can do to rectify them. It feels like I'm falling endlessly into a dark abyss and there is no one there to catch me.
Break ups are hard. This is the first serious one I've had to deal with. A seven year relationship spanning from high school through post-grad is enough to wear on anyone, but especially me. I've always been the guy who had a smile on his face, always there to talk to, always there to help. I was never the one with problems. Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot and I really don't know how to deal with it.
I might as well delve into the meat of the issue. What happened to make everything go so wrong? Well, I'd be the first to admit I was the ass in the matter. I questioned if I truly wanted to be with this girl from the rest of my life, and she was pressuring me to make a decision. Being a college grad with no current employment, I sought a means to live up every last breath of adolescent freedom that I could. I constantly was on the bar tour with friends, drinking excessively, the cliche routine. However, with that came my ignorance of the girl of my dream's feelings.
Did I know I was hurting her? I think I did, though I didn't want to admit it, even to myself. I kept thinking "if we keep growing apart like this, breaking up will be easier for both of us." I never wanted to hang out with her, never wanted to lay with her, nothing. The intimacy was gone.
Eventually we elected to take a break and try to do our own thing, hoping that time apart would spark our feelings towards each other. If anything, it pulled us further apart. Now I felt as though I had an excuse to not hang out with her. To top all of it off, I ended up getting a job four hours away. It was spur of the moment and neither of us really had an opportunity to discuss it. I just left, without really discussing our plans together. At the time, I felt it was the right thing to do.
Finally, after the move, she dropped the bomb. She wanted to be friends. At the time, I was perfectly fine with it. Relieved, in fact. As the weeks went by, however, my thoughts, dreams, everything I did kept regressing back to her. Every damn song on the radio, every damn show on TV, everything. Seven years is a lot of memories.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to talk to her about it. Given my past persona with my friends, it was difficult to find time to discuss it with my roommate (who I met in college) always being there. I went with text messages. Given how she felt for me before, there was no way she wouldn't take me back, right? She was always the one who was there waiting while I was gone, out disregarding her basic needs in the relationship. She had to be missing me like I was to her.
Then the dagger through the heart. After I told her every feeling that I was feeling, being more honest and open to her than I had been in ages, she was the one to tell me she didn't want to be with me.
The feelings and sensations that went through my body at that second are indescribable. A shooting pain down my back, a deep sickness in my stomach, flashes and disorientation. It felt like every ounce of air in the world wouldn't be enough to catch my breath. Then it hit me: this is what I've been doing to her for so long. Putting her through this pain, making her feel this awful. Through ignorance, whether subconsciously or not, I was hurting that which I cared for the most and doing nothing to help it.
There is nothing in the world I can do to make up for the mistakes of my past. Sure, she was glad that I had finally opened up and apologized for all the things I've done in the past, but I knew that wasn't enough. She knew it wasn't enough. I told her exactly how I feel: I can't see my life without you by my side. I told her I would do whatever it takes to get her back and do whatever I could to try to make up for the idiot I was.
Her response was that she needed time to think about everything and decide what she really wants. She didn't know how long it would take or how it would end up, but that is what she needed. What could I say to that? Was I mad? No, if anything it was somewhat relieving to know she hadn't thrown out any possibility of us being together. However, it leaves me with a sense of emptiness. But the only thing I could say and truly mean was "I understand".
I understand why she needs time away from me. I understand why she would be weary to get back with the person who made her hurt for so long. I understand why she probably wants to see what else is out there.
So that is how it stands for me. We do talk fairly often, on Skype, IM's, and texts. When I talk to her, its like I'm on cloud nine. Occasionally the break-up comes up, which is followed by tears from both of us, but I think we both try to avoid bringing up the painful memories as much as possible.
My head is all over the place now. All I wonder all day is what she is doing, who she is with, if she is thinking about me, if she is thinking about someone else. But every time I start to get upset about why she won't take me back, I know that I did this to myself. Now all I can do is wait, pray that she'll give me a chance to treat her like she deserves.
Am I the only one who feels like this? Can I move on? Better yet, do I ever want to move on? I can't think of anything for my future besides being with her. Its destroying my social life and hurting my work performance, but I can't help it. But she NEEDS this time, she DESERVES this time. She should get to choose what she wants, because I had my chance and blew it. Despite everything that I'm feeling, every ounce that I'm hurting.. I UNDERSTAND.
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